|
current | archives | profile | rings | email | gbook | host You're talking but all I hear is "Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah I'm a stupid whore..." I just woke up and I find myself asking for the third time "today" whether or not anything else could get completely and totally fucked up. Where to start? How about the beginning? As you may've noticed, I was one very unhappy little Stardust the other night. I would like to say I'm ok now, but I'm not really so I'll just say I'm alive. This is the extent of how I am... Alive. What more do you ask? I went to a 12-hour rockathon last night at church. Why, you ask, would your little Stardust do that? Why, because her Aaron was there, and she's still not over him and she wanted to see him. Bah. So...I'm sitting in a rocking chair and here it comes time for a break. I follow Connie to the upstairs bathroom, thinking I'll take my 'medicine' and be ok for awhile. Connie hears the bottle, asks if I'm taking pills. I have no way of lying because she already knows, and she wants to see the bottle. So I showed her. It was just a Motrin bottle and that's mainly all that was in it, but there was a yellow pill in there too and Connie wanted to know what it was. It was my Ephedrin dose for the night, and now that I've started taking it I need it to avoid being shaky and irritable. She made me promise not to take it, so I didn't... Good Stardust. I'm the only one who stayed in a rocking chair and rocked all night. Everybody else, my Aaron included, went to sleep. I played a card game called Phase-10 w/ Aaron, Tiff, and Connie for awhile before they dozed off though. Aaron went to sleep at about 2 AM. He wasn't allowed to sleep in the youth room because a bunch of the female youth had gone to sleep in there, so Tiff pulled his recliner over kinda close to where I was in Fellowship Hall. He leaned it all the way back and put a pillow under his head and a blanket over his body and went to sleep... He's so cute when he sleeps ! :) But then Stardust got this overwhelming urge to lay with him, not have sex or anything, but just to lay with him ,have his arm around me, kiss him, just to BE with him...but she can't. Obviously. So bitter, crying little Stardust just keeps rocking back and forth...back and forth. Finally Tiff decides to go to sleep (Yay! :]) So she wakes him up and for a moment it was just me and him awake. He caught my eye, but I quickly looked away , afraid of what might happen if I allowed myself to lock eyes with him. Then he got up , Eric woke up the rest of the youth, and we rocked for the last two hours. Everybody was saying how I deserved a medal for staying awake for all twelve hours, making it so I had been awake for about 27 hrs straight by the time the Rock-a-Thon was over, but they didn't realize that I couldn't sleep. It's hard, almost painful, to sleep when you're controlled by your dreams. I just didn't wanna deal with my dreams, my innermost thoughts last night... whatever though, as long as my Aaron is happy with me , that's all I need. I crave his love and I'm afraid I don't have it anymore. I don't know why I just have this sinking feeling about it. I've gotten to where I'm happy if he even just smiles or winks or waves anymore ... which are things that mean nothing because he quite literally does it to everbody, even the youth he dislikes. At 7:40 AM my dad came to pick me up, and Eric didn't want to let me leave b/c the rock-a-thon wasn't officially over yet. At about 7:50 though he came over and said since I was the only one who bothered to rock all night I deserved to leave, and he carried my chair out for me. I never even told Aaron or Tiff or Heather goodbye, even though that may very well have been the last time I ever see them... I love Aaron so much...but I never even said goodbye. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . *Stardust wipes her eyes* Anyway, then I got home and checked my email . I got one from Maddie saying I had a virus on my computer so I had to fwd the message to everybody in my address book, finding that it was really there. I hated this, because this meant e-mailing people I haven't talked to in quite some time, including Alex and Sep , and those I had no intentions of talking to again, including Tiff and Aaron. Needless to say, then David e-mails me, and everybody I had sent that email to, to tell us that it wasn't a virus, it was a Microsoft Plus file for Windows 95 and we shouldn't delete it because with our luck it's something we need ... and besides, if it WAS a virus it would've already done something... So now Stardust feels horrible and icky for sending that, but considering it has internet recipients, I can't unsend it. Now all I can hear/see is Alex and Gina, saying together as they look at me, "You're talking but all I'm hearing is 'blah-blah-blah-blah-blah I'm a stupid whore.'" That, or Gina's favorite, "I'm sorry...I don't speak dumbbitch." For this reason, I'm not going to say anything to them, because I'm not liking their standard response so well. Oh, and did I mention that somebody named Monkie1206 IMed me at 8:35 this morning and said 'hey bitch'. I said, "who's this" and then they just said 'asl' so it's not somebody from school that hates me or one of my ex-friend's friends trying to start shit like I originally thought...so now I'm just like, ok, what the fuck? Why IM somebody you don't know and say, "Hey Bitch" I mean come on! I just blocked them b/c I have no desire to talk to somebody who says that because even if they were just 'joking' that's still fucked up, especially if it's somebody you've never ever talked to before... Feel free to IM them if you want... I'm really tired still so I'm gonna go shower and sleep... I'll be back later though. ~Stardust |
